Monday afternoon I went to the ICU, took off her little sweatshirt, gave her a hug and kiss and told her I'd see her in the morning. At 5:00am, Tuesday April 2nd, I received the call that my baby girl went into cardiac arrest and did not make it. As Im sure you can imagine I was and am devistated by her loss. I've had a difficult time coming to terms with it, and my poor boy Caesar has also been lost. I had all kinds of posts I wanted to put up last week of projects I've been working on, but I couldnt find the energy. I didnt get out of bed for 3 days. Fortunately, I work in an office of dog owners. Everyone was extremely understanding of my situation.
I wanted to share with you some of the ways I coped with her loss. First, is a letter I posted on my personal Facebook page to her.
Hi baby girl. You know you’re weird ass mamma had to write you a goodbye letter. I know, you’re thinking “yep, saw this coming mom.” I have to try to put into words what you’ve meant to me. Words really don’t do it justice, but at least it helps to say them.
I remember the day you came into my life. I pulled in the driveway and saw you in the backyard. A tiny, nervous little furball. You looked up at me with those big eyes and I was done. I was yours.
I had no idea at that moment how much you would teach me. I think that my heart quadrupled in size with just the love I had for you. Sometimes I would sit and stare at you because I couldn’t believe how much love I felt. I wanted to hug and squeeze you constantly. I missed you when we were a part. But when I would come home, there you were, excited to see me. You would jump, smile and “honk”.
You were the worlds best snuggler. Really. Every night, curling up in a little ball next to me, or sharing my pillow. We were like girl friends at a sleepover, laying on our backs next to each other.
You were so enthusiastic when we would go out for walks. I should have taken you on more of them.
Sometimes it drove me crazy, but I secretly loved how, on the weekends, you would try to wake me up by pawing and licking my face. You were always ready to start the day happy and bouncy.
I worry about Caesar since I cant explain to him where you are. You taught him how to be a dog, by the way, thanks for teaching him to sit on the back of the couch! He’s too big for that you know.
I will miss your high fives or how you would dance for a treat. I will miss watching you find the sunniest spot in the yard and stretch out in the warmth. I will miss how you felt, how your tiny paws felt when you would walk across my feet. I will miss every little thing about you. Even cleaning up the little turds you’d leave for me when I was at work.
Thank you for changing me. Thank you for loving me, just as I am. Thank you for making the decision to leave this world so that I didn’t have to decide for you. Having you in my life, even though the time was so short, was the greatest gift I could have ever received. I will count the minutes until we can be together again.
Saying “I love you” doesn’t even begin to cover what I felt for you, but I’ll say it anyway. Sookie, I love you, always have, always will.
I also created this memorial photo of her
The outpouring of love and support I received from my friends, family, and coworkers has been incredible. I have been fortunate enough to have lived a life that hasnt been touched by much grief and loss. This was a loss that was more than I could put into words. But people reached out to me, phone calls, facebook, texts, and even cards. It was such a humbling experience. I miss my baby girl every second of every day, but its a comfort to know that I have such wonderful support.
I hope to be back to posting more often soon, I have lots to share with you!
I'll end this post with a link to this lovely poem. Anyone who has lost a pet is probably familiar with The Rainbow Bridge.